Borrowed Time and the Best Birthday Ever

Right before Halloween I was applying for a VP position at a local non-profit. I was working with a friend who is part of their headquarters in New York City, and was actively seeking a full-time role at the company.

My relationship to work has ebbed and flowed while being a full-time mom, but the last couple of months my heart was pushing me towards pursuing more full-time work outside the home.

On the cusp of my second birth (I’m due around the end of December) I can’t help but feel relieved the job didn’t come to fruition.

This afternoon Ginny and I sat on the kitchen floor as she painted a myriad of Christmas items on a big block of butcher paper I taped to the fridge. While I’ve been anxious to give birth early, I felt a wave of gratitude for being able to have this time with her. To paint together, to give her a bubble bath, to watch Dora the Explorer, or to just take a drive through Starbucks for a cake pop.

Last weekend, Sal and I decided we wanted to do something with just the three of us to celebrate her birthday before the new baby came (she’s a New Year’s babe). We went to a little diner for grilled cheese and fries, then picked up our Christmas tree at a local farm in Clarence. Our new neighbors came over for ice cream cake, and we ended the night taking Ginny to the Buffalo Zoo to meet Santa. The day bustled by, but before it ended Ginny told us this was her “best birthday ever!”

Shortly after she asked me, “Mom why are you crying?”

Aside from the hormones that are taking over my body and making me cry at the zoo, I’m also feeling a deep sense of surrender. Surrendering to the unknown, to the future, to the fear of giving birth and potentially having postpartum depression again. I told my PMAD therapist recently that being this close to labor kind of feels like knowing you are about to fall off a cliff and just waiting to be pushed off. Mentally, I can feel myself move through each day like I’m on borrowed time. Each sleepless night, coffee sip, and snuggle with Ginny feels like it just might be my last of this evolving season.

I recently listened to Oprah’s SuperSoul podcast where she interviewed Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith. He shared many gems of wisdom that resonated with me. The most powerful was this: we all have a higher vision and dream for where we want our lives to go, but in order to open ourselves up to our soul’s true path we have to surrender this vision to the unknown, which holds opportunities and experiences our hearts can’t even begin to comprehend.

And while I’m thinking a lot about what the future holds for my growing family, this year, I wish you all the gift of surrendering to things greater than our vision boards can hold. May the season be filled with quiet moments that make you thankful, bring you to happy tears, and keep you surrounded by those that you love most. May you cherish this current chapter in your life, whatever it may bring. And may you receive so much more from it than you ever imagined possible.

Until next year,

Xx,

Erin